Grapes of Mirth
Grapes of Mirth Grapes of Mirth

Clifford Longshank – Hobart

Hello, my name is Clifford Longshank, professional wine critic. With more than 40 years experience of writing about wine I now suffer gout, high blood pressure, bowel irritation, melancholy and tennis elbow.

I have a dog called Nat. Therefore making it a Pet Nat. It is a brilliant wine joke wasted on people. Anyway, let’s push on.

Today I’m discussing Hobart and surrounding wine regions. Hobart is a wonderful city and is the gateway to exceptional wines. Chardonnay and Pinot Noir dominate but there are also other cool climate varieties like riesling that are also excellent.

I met a winemaker there who’s name I fail to recall but he said he’s a Dr of some sort but his facial hair looked like a pube gun backfired on his face. Tidy yourself up man or people won’t believe you’re actually a physician. Having said that, he made some excellent Chardonnay and his Pinot Noir was first-rate. We talked about wine for hours and made a life long friendship. Not enough for me to recall his name but still, lifelong. 

This Dr informed me that the reason for Tasmania’s great wines is the pristine climate. Indeed, fresh air and clean water are a staple many of us have come to see as a luxury. The Chardonnay of the region is often a little more apple and citrus than the melon and tropicals you may see in WA for example but is still made in a variety of styles. Also, if you order a scallop pie, a delicious local favourite, this type of wine matches perfectly, like a Real Estate Agent and a leased BMW.

The proximity to cellar doors in all directions from the city is excellent and some can be accessed by water ferry/taxi.

One thing of concern. I noticed several advertisements for Badminton. This is of course very disturbing. Badminton is a stupid sport. Badminton looks like a sport but if it was a sport why don’t attractive people play it? It’s always short, hairy dentists with thick glasses, bald heads and man boobs. At what stage in inventing a new sport does someone say “Let’s call the ball a shuttlecock”? It looks like one human nut wearing a hat made of chicken pubes.

Badminton is essentially the rollerblading of the 70’s.

Hobart – excellent wine, wonderful people, amazing food. Go and enjoy, but be cautious of hairy dentists wearing headbands.

The end.

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